Today is a key date in my life. A date when a weight lifted like a little bird that flew away. Before today, it wasn’t a little bird, but a morbid-looking vulture that perched in a nearby bush squawking just often enough to unnerve me. My sweetheart Alicia got some key answers today. (Click here to let Alicia explain it in medical terms).
You see when your wife wakes up paralyzed you always wonder what condition she could wake up in next. You wonder if a little ways down the road she might not even be there to wake up at all. When your wife is as key to your life, and really to who you even are, that is the proverbial elephant in the living room. I was nervous about today’s doctor’s visit. My family even told me I have been especially grumpy the last few days.
First of all, we are no more important than anyone else on the planet. Second, even though the Lord loves us (this we do not doubt), He does not make all such situations turn out so well. In other words, some men far better than me, heard worse news after bad news. Three and a half years ago we got bad news–today it was good. If you haven’t read Alicia’s blog yet, that good news is not that she will walk again, but that she has no progressive disease like MS. With no evidence showing up at this point on a MRI scan, that is a settled matter!
I realize that either of us may die tomorrow, but now we at least statistically have a chance to grow old together. The thought of growing old without her is not one I could face very well. It still may not happen but I can hold out hope as I have as much hope as anyone else my age. I praise the Lord for that!
About walking? I still think that it will never happen. I’d love to be wrong, but I have peace either way. She does too and that is even more important. I know He can heal, but I have seen bigger things He has in mind since this happened. I remarked the other day that healing is not about the power of God, but the plan of God. There’s no question of His power for me, but I can only come to see His plan over time.
So paralysis is still here and I assume here to stay. So there is still a chair to load, still a need to think through if our activities may be too overtaxing for her, still spasms and a stretching routine, and still a danger of her hurting her shoulders over time. But I can only say that it is nothing (to me at least). I’ll carry her, lift her, tote her chair, anything as long as I have her. What many of you think is an overwhelming trial for the Reagan family is nothing compared to those of you who carried your loved one to a lonely grave. I’m ready to go forward. This will all be fine.
Thank you Lord for carrying us to the other side of the valley where the sun can shine brightly again. Thank you Alicia Rue for being so much for me. I draw a strength from you that few could understand. You still live in that chair, but if you are going to be OK, there is no more valley for me.