This one is difficult to write. The issue is not as widespread as some I have written of lately, but for some it is the most intense. Without further suspense, I speak of adult children, often times parents themselves, of parents in the Independent Baptist world. Again, this is not unique to us as if springs from a temptation for every parent–not letting go.

There is the more visible manifestation of this problem in one of the smaller segments of the Independent Baptist world. You will see a family that lives in a way similar to the Amish or Mennonites. They will often dress that way and live cloistered from the world. I am not criticizing them for that lifestyle because if they feel they should live that way to honor the Lord, it isn’t my place to say it is wrong even if I feel that the Lord is not asking that of me. I know some of them love the Lord as much as I do.

What is an issue is how at times the family is handled. The man is rigidly in charge and makes every decision to the smallest detail. I have seen some of the mothers in this environment who seem to often be looking downcast and unhappy, but that is a discussion for another day. Then there are the children. Becoming a legal adult changes nothing. I have seen several men and women in their mid-20s who couldn’t go even to town without parental permission. To decide on a life course or whom to marry is out of the question. The parents will decide, require long courtships, and have endless hoops for their grown children to jump through. My first thought is that if your child is incapable to make good decisions on their own by 25, you should make a public confession that you have already failed. By then, you have missed your chance. If these young folks ever get the courage to go their own way, the greatest pressure is often brought to bear. It kind of reminds the of Amish and their shunning. The parents are the patriarch and matriarch and naturally are the spiritual gurus for the whole family. Perhaps you shake your head and say this is ridiculous.

Much more surprising, and not as obvious, is another segment that in no way look like the Amish but demand a role in their adult children’s lives that robs them of standing on their own in life and before the Lord. Often times they are the ones with the higher standards and feel those standards are some of the most critical things of the Christian life. I have no criticism of anyone’s standards as long as they realize that it is not their place to impose them on everyone else.

A real problem arises when those adult children go through a process that all believers must go through–feeling a necessity to know what the Lord wants for themselves and then making that the way they live their lives. All too often that may mean a few differences in detail than what their parents followed. Of course I would like my children to reach my same conclusion on everything, but I am not naive enough to think it will happen. For that matter, I really, when my head is on straight, want them to follow Christ instead of me anyway!

Then comes the crisis. There is the parents who they love on the one hand, and the Lord they love even more on the other. The parents feel rejected, dishonored, and unloved if they follow the Lord, or there is the guilt of not giving the Lord the first place if they follow the parents to keep the peace. It is pretty much a rotten ordeal either way, though there is really only one option to a Christian. Some withdraw from their children and practically break fellowship with them!

In addition to knowing several people personally in different families going through this situation, we have several more write either my wife or I since we have been blogging telling us of going through this problem. The names are different, the issues may be different (dress standards, church of choice, or some other standard), but the pain is the same. Relations are strained, holidays are awkward, and a rift grows. And it simply should not be.

Points For These Parents Of Adult Children To Consider:

1. Does the Lord deal with us in this way?
2. Even if you are sure your adult children are making a mistake, did the Prodical’s Father treat the Prodical Son in that way?
3. Where is your Scriptural permission to act in such a way?
4. Is it worth losing your grandchildren too?
5. Are your motives 100% pure? Is part of the your disappointment that you have made a big point out of the standard in question and it embarrasses you when others see that one of your adult children is not following what you have made a key point of your life? (A few of the cases I know about personally had one of the parents say to their adult child, “you are damaging my ministry by your change”).
6. Is it working? Are your methods yielding the results you want?

I appeal to you to let go. Your time to mold them is over. You only have influence now and you surely don’t want to throw it away because you can’t have a control you have no right to anyway.

Points For Adult Children Who Have These Issues With Their Parents:

1. Remember you are not alone.
2. You may not be able to take the unpleasantness away.
3. Love your parents.
4. But follow Christ. As you well know, He is worthy of first place. This point is non-negotiable.
5. Remember that in a few short years you will face the same problem with your children.
6. Raise your children where your control decreases and their personal decision making increases so that when they reach the steps of adulthood they can go on making their own way as we all must. You have about 18 or so years per child to get the job done. May our Lord help us as we go bumbling along the road of parenthood.
7. Don’t repeat the mistake later that causes you pain now.

I sincerely pray that many families can turn the corner on this perplexing issue.

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Do you ever get the sense that something is missing? Do you ever in the Independent Baptist world amidst the claims of our being the closest thing to New Testament Christianity feel that something is off kilter? Do you read the Gospels and think something about what Jesus did in sharing the Gospel with others is lacking in our efforts? Could it be that while many elements are present we have one major lacking component?

Love. We at times see the depths of the problem by the intensity of the cringing when we mention the need of love. Some are instantly offended when the word love is offered up as important. Sometimes the charge of “O no, you are one of those love-love-love people” starts flying. Well, that is a strange criticism to get. All in all, I don’t think I would be too devastated to be labeled as a Christian who is infected with love. Following a God Who Himself said He is love might make that criticism a badge of honor!

Still, some of our fellow Independent Baptists would be horrified to have the love label attached to them. Love, a theme that finds its way from the beginning pages of the Bible, intensifies in the New Testament, and finds its highest expression on the lips of Jesus in the Gospels, is thought by some to be a sure sign of weakness. Some feel it weakens the body of truth that is Christianity while, strangely enough, the Bible says it defines it and undergirds the whole.

I think they have the explaining to do. Love, for them, is really an umbrella term for a set of words and even some Scriptures that will put you on the suspicious list. Grace–that word that is a love springing forth raises some eyebrows. An appeal to love enough to not judge is a real blood-pressure raiser. To even quote Matthew 7:1 (“Judge not, that ye be not judged.”) is a sure-fire way to make them think you don’t even believe the Bible even though you just quoted it. Liberty, or the freedom purchased by love, is another no-no. “Love your neighbor” may be in the Bible, but surely neighbor is an extinct species. You get the point. The things criticized here make up a grand portion of the New Testament and it is, therefore, absurd to criticize where the Bible commends for one claiming to follow that Word.

This gets even uglier. We give token acknowledgment to love and then revel in a harsh, militant view of the truth. How could we have truth without love if love is part of that truth? We are hard where Jesus was kind. We say we love, but no one believes us. We scream and get angry and lament that no one listens. Would you listen?

Love is never proved by words, only action. The test is simple: do others feel it? Before you trash the test remember the ones who met Jesus in the Gospels would have answered yes.

To have Christianity without love is like having chocolate chip cookies without chocolate! If you make those cookies and realize you left out the chocolate you know you bombed! Go back to the kitchen and put in the chocolate or you will never have chocolate chip cookies. Without love you will never have Bible Christianity either! This ingredient is missing, but it isn’t lost. We know where it is. In fact, the cupboard is full of love for one who knows Jesus Christ. I suggest we go to that cupboard, get it, and put it back in.

Find all articles in the series here.

They suffer silently. They have to because speaking up is labeled treasonous. Even if they are treated treacherously, they are held to a standard of grin and bear it. They can be held to account and then some, but their tormentors must not be. Who am I speaking of? Some assistant pastors and other staff members in the Independent Baptist world. While there are some wonderfully happy staffs out there where pastor and staff love each other, there is a must more widespread problem than many would want to admit.

Over the last 15 years I have heard the story time and again. A pastor rides roughshod over assistants. He belittles, abuses, criticizes, over works, and treats as second-class servants the very ones the Lord has sent as a gift to help Him. The story goes that they are told they are incompetent and have everything they do over analyzed, second guessed, and often redone. Though there can be poor assistants, of course, I know men that are some of the most faithful, dedicated men I have ever known and have proved it in later ministries, and they suffered immensely in this very scenario. In some cases the wounds linger a long time and a loss of confidence must be worked through. Besides hearing this from many, and even being requested to write on this in this series, three men I know very well shared with me in great detail their horror stories. Each of them were of such character that they have never tried to retaliate by lashing out or going on a crusade against their abusers. Still, it was unjust that they should have suffered so at the hands of a pastor.

This is not the same thing as a pastor taking “the oversight thereof”, or providing leadership or vision, even if the abusers loudly want to couch the issue in those terms. As one who holds the office of pastor in the highest possible regard, I will label it for you in one word –hireling. It is one who is called to be a shepherd and give himself for the sheep using others for his own ends. He is taking when he should be giving. It was supposed to be about them and it ends up only being about self. It divests the word “pastor” of its true meaning.

Why does this happen? If you listen really closely, you will find traces of jealousy. Remember King Saul with David? It is as if these pastors must be the center of the universe, so much so than any other staff is not allowed to be loved or respected. This, of course, sets them up for failure as when they reach that grotesque of a prideful level it becomes hard to get real love or respect. Then comes the lowly assistant and everyone can’t help rooting for him. The pastor then gets more paranoid and amps up his preposterous treatment. In some cases, though the assistant has moved many miles to come their way, these pastors fire them like the most secular of companies and nothing like a church. To be sure, that becomes a source of shame to the cause of Christ.

Things Every Pastor Must Never Forget In Regards To Staff:

1. You have a shepherding responsibility to every staff member.

You are as much the pastor of every assistant and staff member as anyone in the church. What evidence could you produce to categorize them any other way? You will give an account for their souls too.

2. You pastor a church, not run a business.

A church can’t be run in the same cold fashion some businesses are. If some staff member doesn’t “produce” enough, you can’t just throw them under the bus. The reality some are missing is that a real Christian approach is the best way to run a business, not the other way around. The very best companies figured this out and make a happy, secure workforce a key component of heir business plan.

3. The church you pastor is all about Christ, and nothing about you.

You are a servant of Jesus Christ. He receives glory when local churches are what they should be, and he has placed you there to facilitate that goal. The moment you seek the glory for yourself you nullify your point of existence. What could be a greater failure?

4. Assistants are co-laborers, not inferior beings.

You just have different assignments. You work together in a great cause. They are as loved of God as you.

5. Staff members can be a place of great ministry.

What an opportunity to advance the ministry you have if you invest in them. You will never increase your influence by elevating yourself at the expense of those around you. In fact, that will render it valueless. On the other hand, the joy of old preachers is the others they have helped along the way. Mentoring, if heartfelt, is a powerful thing.

God bless the pastors who do it right. Let’s all join their number!

All other articles in this series here.